she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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