Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
