bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry about my life...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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