oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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