Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
