I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
