took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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