Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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