Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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