She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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