just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
