I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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