I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
