Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
