she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
