i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
