This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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