I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
