he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
