my mouth tastes like poor choices
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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