Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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