i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
