THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize