Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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