my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
