I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My ass is underappreciated
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
