she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
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I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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