My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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