Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
