Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
