Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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