he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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