Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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