She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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