Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
