she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
