When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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