I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
