Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
