i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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