ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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