I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
