We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
