Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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