Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Randomize
