Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
try to milk me bitch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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