my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
