I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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