God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
