I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
