If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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