I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
