Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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