You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
