I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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