just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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