Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
