i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
